Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
the best thing i’ve ever made
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
¯_(ツ)_/¯
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.