condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Fight
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly