All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
constantly working on myself.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*Seductively hides in the woods
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave