Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
United Steaks of America
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
awesome draft from months ago i just found
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…