Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
#growingpains
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing