When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
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Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.