Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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Is your wife single?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water