Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
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I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.