Just so funny
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you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*