Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I have never related to anyone more.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.