Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
where the womens at?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British