Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
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People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Feels
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?