Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Aight bet
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Damn he played himself
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Siri: Retweet me.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?