“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
emergency phone
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?