A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My life in a nutshell
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
moms in horror movies
No chill.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.