Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks