rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.