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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”