Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!