ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
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Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
brian had himself a morning…
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
don’t be scared
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.