There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
me adding lol on a serious message
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me