“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT