wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭