Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
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me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.