the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.