Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
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[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.