Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
#oldknees
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!