Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Expect the unexporcupine.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
how long have you had this for?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!