genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.