Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
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Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Don’t forget to tip your server
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’