The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.