76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in