the #horror is real!
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I am never leaving this website
Wake me when AI does housework
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Selfie
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks