Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Botany good plants lately?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!