I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.