Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
he chose this
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes