If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
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I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*