Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
You Might Also Like
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing