Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My first son he is wonderful
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs