My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
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Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.