Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
You Might Also Like
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Good Morning.