I feel it
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My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
🤣🤣
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature