Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.