Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
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[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.