*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.