Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
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he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders