ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
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The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
🤣🤣🤣
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
WWE is French for “yes”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today