No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche