I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Employees must applaud the planets.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will