Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
mmm onion ringos
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!